I haven’t posted in a while.
And I know, logically, that it doesn’t really matter. The world isn’t waiting for my next blog post or video with bated breath. No one is checking their feeds, thinking, Where’s Gael? But somehow, that makes it worse. If no one’s expecting anything, why is it so damn hard to just… post something?
The problem isn’t just creative block—though, yeah, that’s part of it. The words aren’t coming out right. The ideas feel half-formed. Every attempt at filming feels awkward, stiff, like I’m performing a bad impression of myself. But more than that, there’s this suffocating pressure.
Pressure to make something good. To make something worth posting. To make something I won’t cringe at the second it goes live.
It’s not even external pressure, really. No one is standing over my shoulder, demanding perfection. This is all internal, self-imposed, irrational and yet completely real. And I know where it comes from—PDA, my lovely little brain quirk that turns even things I want to do into suffocating obligations. The second I think, I should make something, my brain yells, Nope! You literally cannot.
And then, when I do manage to create something, there’s the embarrassment. The cringe factor. The fear of putting something out there and realizing later that it was bad, or awkward, or just not as good as it should have been.
Logically, I know this is ridiculous. Every creator, every writer, every artist has to make “bad” stuff. It’s part of the process. No one improves by waiting until they’re perfect. But my brain doesn’t like logic. It likes avoidance. It likes keeping me trapped in this loop of wanting to create and being too overwhelmed to do it.
I don’t really have a neat ending for this, because I haven’t figured out the answer yet. I want to post, but I don’t know how to get past the mental roadblocks. Maybe I just need to hit “publish” on something—anything—and break the cycle. Maybe I need to remind myself that I’m allowed to create for me, not just for some invisible audience that might judge me.
Or maybe I just need to sit with this feeling for a bit longer.
Either way, I’m still here. Still thinking. Still trying. And maybe that’s enough for today.
